3P Random Reflections Blog

There's a difference in feeling within me, between NEEDING to stand up for myself and NOT NEEDING to stand up for myself.

There's a difference in feeling within me, between NEEDING to fight back, and NOT NEEDING to fight back.

Someone tosses a grenade. It explodes against my ego. I get angry and respond in defence. I explain, justify, and reason my perspective, my belief, my point of view, as if it is right and true. I find others who agree with me, and we talk about all the reasons why I am right and why the granade tosser is wrong... and perhaps even why the grenade tosser is less than I am, less than we are, less than human, and perhaps even evil.

And in the moment, it feels really good, doesn't it? There's a release of some sort of pent up anger I proabably didn't even realize I was holding. My sense of self feels restored back to some form of security.

But... it's not a satisfaction that lasts. In a way it kind of festers. I keep thinking about it. I keep getting angry about it. I stood my ground, I stood up for myself, which seems to feel better than not standing up for myself, but I'm NOT left with any inner lasting peace.

And it happens all over again when the next grenade gets tossed. Perhaps my defence even begins to get faster, louder, stronger. I appear to be becoming stronger, but with all the focus on that outside strength, I don't notice the growing bitterness and brittleness of my ego and my fears, that now keep needing more and more protection.

So here's another story...

Someone tosses the same grenade. It explodes, but for whatever reason it doesn't hit my ego. I don't get angry. I have nothing to defend, explain, justify, or reason. I have nothing to fester on later. I don't need to convince anyone why I'm right and why they're wrong. I don't need to collect a community of others to agree with me. I don't need to find news sources to support my point of view, and secure my "rightness". I've got nothing on it. I just do what makes sense to do in the moment, from a calm, clear, and peaceful mind.

So the grenade explodes, and without anything on it, sometimes it occurs to me to walk away, or walk around the debris (or maybe even clean it up a bit), sometimes I'm reflective or curious about the tosser and me and this incomprehensible mystery of life, sometimes a burst of love comes through me toward the grenade tosser and I see how amazingly beautiful they are, and I wish they could see what I see...

...that nothing needs to be secured... that everything can be appreciated and marvelled at and wondered at and navigated with understanding and common sense and wisdom and grace.

I expect that apparent grenades will continue to get tossed in my direction throughout my life. And my many remaining bits of insecure ego will jump to my defence for some grenades, and my secure bits of self will gleefully and gracefully navigate others. I don't seem to have much control over any of this.

But isn't it lovely every time I'm fortunate enough to be aware of that felt difference inside me between the "stand up for myself" feeling of my righteous ego, and the "got nothing on it" feeling of true inner peace. It reminds me that the most profound way of standing up for myself, is realizing I don't need to stand up at all, and that in any moment I can lean toward the feeling of peace and let that guide me.

Now, if only I'll just listen and lean, and then navigate the grenades from there.

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